


the appearance of free will

by haemophilus



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Crack, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-05
Updated: 2017-07-05
Packaged: 2018-11-23 20:29:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11409642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haemophilus/pseuds/haemophilus
Summary: A mysterious figure kidnaps Dee and has some words with her about what happens to people who interfere with fate.





	the appearance of free will

**Author's Note:**

> This was gonna be like a crack AU where Dee kept stopping Mac and Dennis from getting together in fanfics because she hated how fanfics erased her. Then it died in a folder. I dunno if it makes any sense. Hope you like it!
> 
> Content warning for kidnapping.

The place where Dee woke up was cavernous and dark. She was strapped to a wooden chair by her legs, and her arms were tied behind her. Her head throbbed as her eyes scanned the room for any sign of life or signifier of location. However, it was useless. Nobody could be seen, and nothing was here.

Thankfully, the weirdo who had kidnapped her had not thought to gag her as well. “Hey asshole! Pervert! Come here and untie me right now!” she shouted, trying to sound braver than she felt.

Only silence answered her at first. Then, a harsh, light shone into the room, from above illuminating everything, and revealing white walls, a white chair, a white floor – everything a shining, spotless, disorienting white.

“Where the hell am I?” she shouted. “Get out here right now, dickbag!”

A square hole materialized in the wall, and a woman in her twenties stepped out of it. The wall immediately re-solidified into a perfect recreation of its original appearance. Dee’s new companion straightened her shoulders and her glasses in a professional way, and walked over to where Dee was sitting.

“Hello, Deandra,” said the woman in an unnervingly calm tone.

“Where’s the pervert?” asked Dee.

“What?” asked the woman.

“I’ve seen this on Lifetime – perverts collect women and use them to produce favor towards their captors. I don’t want to deal with any of that Stockholm Syndrome bullshit. I just wanna meet the dude who tied me up and spit in his face. So – where is he?” said Dee.

“There is no ‘he’,” said the woman. “Nobody is planning to rape you.”

Dee rolled her eyes. “Sure. That’s why you kidnapped me, tied me up, and took me to a room that looks like Dexter’s murder lair.”

“You haven’t been kidnapped,” said the woman. “We are just. . .borrowing you for a moment. You will be put back into your life unharmed. I promise.”

“Why am I tied up?” asked Dee. “You could have ‘borrowed’ me by just asking.”

“We have tried to talk to you in the normal way in the real world, but you’ve physically spit on every single one of our agents thus far,” says the woman. “If you promise to not spit on me, I will untie you.”

Normally, Dee wouldn’t agree to any promise that involved her to not spit on someone she didn’t like. However, this information seemed pretty important. Best to play along. “I promise,” she said. The woman nodded and came closer.

 “Dee. . .we know everything around here,” said the woman. She began to untie the knots around Dee’s wrists; her fingers were surprisingly gentle. “We don’t like what you’ve been doing.”

“Can you stop with the vague bullshit and just cut to the chase, lady?” said Dee. She rubbed her wrists, which still were irritated by the rope that formerly surrounded them. The woman pulled some keys out of her slacks, bent down, and unlocked Dee’s legs from their weird shackles.

“I am one of many people who works for the Transformative Works Bureau,” said the woman. “It is our intent for your brother Dennis and his friend Mac to fall in love in your universe. However, we’ve hit a snag. You have kept it from happening about thirty times. Why?”

The lights suddenly felt like they were bright enough to burn her skin. Dee grit her teeth, stood up, and clenched her fists in frustration.

“I think the better question is why I feel like I’m fading away every time those two assholes make googly eyes at each other.”

The other woman stepped forward, and took Dee’s hand in her own.

“Not everyone can be the protagonist in the story,” she said.

Dee wrenched her hand away, heart pounding in anger.

“Is that all you kidnapped me for? To tell me I have to play goddamn second banana to my asshole brother and his gay best friend in their stupid love story? Or what? You’ll make me disappear more than you already were planning on anyway?” she said.

“If you don’t allow them to fall in love, your entire universe is going to fall apart,” said the woman.

Dee laughed humorlessly. “You’re telling me those two idiots are literally holding the universe together?”

The woman snapped her fingers, turning out the lights again.

“Heed my warning, Deandra Reynolds.”


End file.
